Owner's Manual for a Portrait of Someone's Dead Grandmother
a work of fiction
This was written for the 30 Days of Fright Writing Challenge, prompt 7: preternatural portrait.
This isn’t exactly a story, and not what I planned to write. It just sort of wrote itself! I like the idea of turning it into a zine, in the format of an actual manual.
Here’s hoping someone besides me finds it amusing.
Owner’s Manual for a Portrait of Someone’s Dead Grandmother
Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a portrait of someone’s dead grandmother. We hope you enjoy your purchase.
Each portrait of someone’s dead grandmother is unique, and is signed on the back in blood by the artist, who shall not be named.
In order to get the most out of your portrait of someone’s dead grandmother, please read the following care instructions.
INSTRUCTIONS
1. Your purchase comes pre-framed. Do not attempt to remove the painting from the frame, as this may result in a negation of warranty and/or death by drowning.
2. Hardware is included for hanging your portrait of someone’s dead grandmother. Keep your new portrait out of direct sunlight. Be aware that it does not like white, off-white, ivory or similar shades of wall, so you may be required to re-paint your chosen room. This company cannot be responsible for the consequences of hanging your new portrait on white-ish walls, though those consequences may vary. The portrait prefers shaded areas, dark walls and the availability of spiders, if at all possible. A corner near the ceiling may suffice.
3. If, at night, someone’s dead grandmother disappears from her frame, do not be alarmed. She has likely only escaped into the walls and will surely return by morning. If not, see the section entitled Troubleshooting in Appendix A.
4. DO NOT, under any circumstances, try to discover the name or identity of the dead grandmother featured in your portrait. Failure to comply with this instruction guarantees certain death for yourself and immediate family, as well as any who have viewed the portrait in the prior six months. You have been warned and have signed an agreement upon purchase. If you fail to comply, and certain death ensues, you shall have no legal recourse.
5. Do not sell, trade or leave behind your portrait of someone’s dead grandmother. You must keep the portrait for the remainder of your life and/or pass it down to one of your blood relatives. If you have no appropriate heirs, see Troubleshooting in Appendix A. In a related note, it is best to keep your portrait of someone’s dead grandmother away from young children and pets, for their own safety. In fact, it would be best not to have pets at all.
Appendix A: TROUBLESHOOTING & FAQs
Someone’s dead grandmother has escaped into the walls and has not returned by morning.
Solution: It is recommended to play a funeral dirge, accompanied by wailing and moaning mournfully. This will usually call someone’s dead grandmother back to her frame. In the event that this is unsuccessful, a small blood sacrifice may be required. Use your own judgement.
My dog won’t stop barking at my portrait of someone’s dead grandmother. What should I do?
Solution: Get rid of your dog.
I need to move, but my portrait of someone’s dead grandmother refuses to come off the wall.
Solution: You may want to reconsider your move. If this is not possible, try coaxing her with a bowl of spiders (dead or alive), if available. You may also try burning incense and chanting in Latin as this tends to make her more amenable. Otherwise, you will just have to wait until she is ready. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause, but someone’s dead grandmother is not beholden to your schedule.
I have no living blood relatives to inherit the portrait. What will happen to my portrait of someone’s dead grandmother?
Solution: It seems highly unlikely that you have no blood relatives, however distant, to include in your will. However, if this is the case, the best course of action is to create a notarized document stating that the portrait of someone’s dead grandmother should be packed in a crate of yew or alder wood, sealed inside an airtight plastic bag, surrounded by earth from a freshly dug grave, and shipped back to our company as soon as possible after your demise. Note that this is not a valid way to get rid of your portrait of someone’s dead grandmother during your lifetime and if attempted, she will be shipped back to you, C.O.D.
My house has been destroyed by fire, earthquake, flood, tornado or other disaster and my portrait of someone’s dead grandmother is one of the only artifacts from my home to survive miraculously unscathed.
Solution: This is a common occurrence. We are sorry for your loss, but consider yourself lucky. This means your portrait of someone’s dead grandmother likes you and is looking forward to re-building your life and your home with you.
For all other enquiries and concerns, reach out to us on our toll-free number: 1-555-DEADGRAMMAPICS.
Thank you once again for purchasing a portrait of someone’s dead grandmother. We wish you and your descendants a high rate of survival.
If you’re interested in doing this 30-day horror-writing challenge, or reading other stories by other writers in the challenge, it’s hosted by
.You should check it out!Here are a few of my other stories for these prompts so far:
This is the Shrouded Grouse, and here you’ll find free supernatural short stories and novellas, essays and musings, zines, and illustrations that explore the liminal spaces and moody places.
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This is sooooo FUN!!!! LOVE!!!
I do enjoy a comedy/horror mash up!